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10/28/08
Living with Children
John Rosemond
Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond
Q:
I hope I am over-thinking this, but my normally happy 6-year-old son
has recently started incorporating death and war-like games into his
imaginative play. He isn't and has never been a mean-spirited child,
but his dad and I just divorced (amicably), and I feel like he's having
trouble dealing with it. For example, he has begun telling me he feels
stupid. Can you recommend something I can do, or should I consider
having him talk to the school psychologist or our pastor?
A:
Other psychologists may disagree, but I would not recommend
professional help at this point (in the final analysis, however, I
encourage you to do whatever makes you feel most comfortable). First,
incorporating war and death into imaginative play is not at all unusual
for boys this age and older. In and of itself, this is not cause for
concern. Today’s parents have become sensitized to this sort of thing
because of highly publicized incidents of child and teen violence, but
boys have been playing war games forever whereas boys becoming mass
murderers is a recent phenomenon—and almost exclusively an American
phenomenon.
On the other hand, if a 6-year-old suddenly becomes
truly obsessed with violence (e.g., begins threatening violence or
becomes cruel toward pets) I would immediately suspect regular exposure
to video games with violent themes. In that case, the obvious solution
is to remove the video games from the child’s life. Evidence is
mounting that video games, with or without violent themes, are
contributing to various symptoms of stress in young children, including
both depression and outbursts of anger.
It’s to be expected that
your son will have some degree of difficulty adjusting to a major
change of this magnitude in his day-to-day life, but the fact that a
youngster is not exactly overjoyed over his parents’ divorce does not
mean he’s having a psychological crisis. As for saying he’s stupid, he
may be “internalizing” some anger toward the two of you, but again, I
would tend to take a wait-and-see attitude. There is good likelihood
that when he adjusts to the new family circumstances, self-deprecating
comments of that sort will fade away.
On the other hand, if you
and his father act toward him as if you think he’s a victim, he will
begin acting more and more like a victim. Children are intuitively
brilliant, and they take advantage of whatever opportunities are handed
to them, however unwittingly. Your son may be repeating the “I’m
stupid” mantra because you are acting as if it’s to be taken very, very
seriously. You respond by talking to him, trying to convince him that
he isn’t stupid. So, the next time he’s feeling a little blue and wants
attention, he says he’s stupid.
The next time he says this,
simply say, “We’ve talked about that enough. If you still think you’re
stupid, I’m truly sorry, but we’re not going to talk about it any more.
Furthermore, saying that you’re stupid means your brain is over-tired
and needs a rest. So from now on, when you say that you’re stupid I’m
going to send you to your room to lie down and rest for an hour so you
can think straight again.”
Your confidence in your authority is
the key to your son’s sense of well-being. If you are convinced that
the divorce was in everyone’s best interest, then I strongly advise you
to act, and parent, accordingly.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com. |
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All content Copyright 2007-2008, John K. Rosemond. Please seek permission before using any material contained on www.rosemond.com.
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