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Weekly Column
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| 6/2/09 Living with Children
John Rosemond
Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond
The first Question of the Week is “Why at dinnertime should children be
served what everyone else in the family is served?”
This question would have never occurred to my parents (or any of their
peers or ancestors), but the parenting worm has turned mightily since
the 1950s, the last decade during which parents were completely
comfortable with their authority. The present generation of parents is
confused and uncomfortable, which is why they allow their children to
make decisions that make no sense.
The answer to the
QW is “Because the operative condition is family. A family is a group
of people who share resources. In a family, no one is more special,
more deserving, than anyone else. It follows that when a family sits
down to dinner (an increasingly rare event), everyone in said family
should partake of the same meal. Excepting verifiable medical grounds,
no one should be allowed to occupy exceptional status.”
Someone in ReaderLand protests that she fixes Little Johnny a boiled
hot dog and precisely browned ‘tater tots when the rest of the family
is eating roast beef, mashed potatoes, and broccoli because the latter
trio triggers LJ’s regurgitative reflex.
Then put a
plastic bucket next to LJ’s chair and instruct him to aim his reflex in
that direction. If he misses, make him clean it up. When he is
finished, instruct him to occupy his chair and try again. If he refuses
to eat, excuse him from the table and cover his plate. When he later
complains of hunger, microwave his plate and set it in front of him,
plastic bucket to the side. LJ will survive this ordeal—it may take
several weeks from start to finish—with significantly lower self-esteem
and a significantly more liberal palate, meaning he will be a much
happier child.
The second QW is “Why should a child not be found sharing his parents’ bed?”
Like the first, this question would have never occurred to parents of
fifty-plus years ago. They would have known that whereas “family”
applies to a meal, it does not apply to a bed. This is common sense,
but then common sense in child rearing is anything but common these
days.
In this case, the issue is boundaries.
Parenting is a form of leadership, and in any leadership environment,
there must be a boundary between those who lead and those who are led.
This boundary distinguishes and generates respect for the leaders. The
so-called “family bed” eradicates this boundary, creating a condition
wherein children are de facto members of the wedding.
The marital bed is Boundary Number One. In its absence, parents will
pay the devil trying to establish and enforce any other boundary. Since
discipline is mostly about boundaries, this means that they will pay
the devil when it comes to discipline (about which they will be in a
self-protective state of denial). Their children are doomed, therefore,
to disorders of opposition and attention (which everyone but them will
notice).
So, a reader asks, “How do we get our children out of our bed?”
Easy. You tell them, today, that Doctor Van Meanie has said that
tonight is the last night the children can sleep with you. “So,” you
say, “let’s have as much fun as we can! How about a pillow fight!” And
then, tomorrow night, remind them of the good doctor’s orders, tuck
them in their own beds, kiss them goodnight, tell them that it’s fine
with you if they feel the need to scream and cry for a while, lock your
door, and take a second honeymoon.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
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www.rosemond.com...in touch with common sense.
All content Copyright 2007-2008, John K. Rosemond. Please seek permission before using any material contained on www.rosemond.com.
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