12/16/08

Living with Children

John Rosemond

Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond
 
My wife and I were seated in a restaurant when a family of four—mother, father, a girl who may have reached her third birthday, and an infant—were seated one table away from us. More correctly, they were shown to a table because immediately the parents began asking the little girl where she wanted to sit. They both stood like good parents-in-waiting while she went about making her decision, trying one chair, then another until she finally settled on one; or seemed to, because as soon as the parents sat, she wanted to move, so she and her father exchanged seats. This entire process took about three minutes. Then the parents began reading to her from the menu and asking her what she wanted to eat. She wanted this, no, that, no, back to this, no, that, but she didn’t seem sure, so the parents began making suggestions. “Perhaps you’d like this. You had this once and you liked it. How about trying it again?” No, she didn’t think so, so her parents went through the process again concerning another menu item. Finally, she seemed to make a decision, and the parents conveyed it to the very patient waitperson. She wanted to change seats again, so they all played musical chairs once again. When the food came, the girl decided that her plate did not look right, and she began whining, and so they played musical entrees once again.

            In addition to just being plain irritated at all the commotion, I had two thoughts: first, that parents of just two generations past simply ordered for their children without asking their opinion; second, that this family’s restaurant drama was typical. I spend lots of time on the road; therefore, I eat lots of restaurant meals. I’ve witnessed variations on this same drama all across the country.

            Such is the stuff of nouveau, post-1960s parenting, axiomatic to which is the notion that children should be given choices. When asked why this should be, liberal parenting pundits will inevitably say things like “So they learn how to make choices” and “So they learn that their opinions count” and “So they feel they have value.” Funny. my parents never gave me choices about such things as what I was going to eat, or sit, or what sort of clothing I was going to wear. When it came to my behavior, the choice was simply to act properly or suffer the consequences. Yet, I grew up capable of making choices. As an adult, I’ve made good choices, and I’ve made bad choices, but that’s life. I see no evidence that today’s young people, many if not most of whom grew up with parents who let them decide where to sit and what they wanted to eat, etcetera, have an improved capacity for decision-making. In fact, the escalating age of emancipation and the Boomerang Child phenomenon suggests they have difficulty making any decisions at all beyond what website they’re going to visit next or what club they’re going to hang at this Saturday night.

            A child does not learn self-control unless his parents first set and enforce clear boundaries and limits. Likewise, a child learns to make reasonably good decisions by being the beneficiary of parents who model effective decision-making. This is nothing more complicated than good parent leadership, which today’s parents are afraid to deliver for fear their children won’t like their decisions and therefore won’t like them.

When all is said and done, this business of letting children make choices is really letting children be in control of things they have no business being in control of, like where they sit in a restaurant, what they eat, and where they sleep, when they begin using the toilet, and so on.

            That little girl would be a happier camper if her parents simplified her life by taking the reins of leadership. They could begin by letting her make fewer choices. Children accept leadership. They abuse control. They don’t mean to, but that’s beside the point.          

            Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

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