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11/11/08 Living with Children
John Rosemond
Copyright 2008, John K. Rosemond
Here’s something you already know, but don’t know you know: Children
love to be ignored. Mind you, I’m not talking about neglect. I’m
talking about ignored, as in being seen and not heard, out from
underfoot, free to do their own thing without adults hovering
neurotically over them making sure everything in their lives is all
right and meaningful from moment to moment.
These
days, the problem is that the overwhelming majority of American
children have never experienced the benefits and blessings of being
ignored; therefore, they don’t know that being ignored is the
preferable state of affairs. These children have been the center of
attention in their families from day one. So, having learned that being
the center of attention is essential to their well-being, they can’t
tolerate being ignored; therefore, they clamor in various ways for
attention. In this regard, appearances can be deceiving. Some
attention-addicts clamor for attention by being boisterous,
interrupting conversations, and the like. Other attention-addicts
clamor for attention by acting like they are pitiful. The latter get
adults to hover over them, asking solicitous questions like, “Is
everything all right?” and “Is there something you need to talk about?”
I asked a recent audience, “Raise your hand if, according to my
meaning, you were ignored as a child.” More than half the folks in
attendance raised their hands. I then said, “Keep your hand up if you
feel blessed to have been ignored.” I didn’t see any hands go down. The
folks who did not raise a hand did not disagree. As kids, they simply
had not been so benefited.
One reason today’s
parents experience the simple responsibility of raising children as
stressful is they feel obligated to be giving their children
near-constant attention. The more attention they give, the more
attention their children want, and the more stressful parenting
becomes. Not so long ago in America, children were not given a lot of
attention and they were generally expected to not attract attention to
themselves. I can attest, being a child of such expectation, that this
is very liberating to a child. It is also very liberating to the
child’s parents. Today’s parents can only imagine what it must be like
to be able to read a book, do a crossword puzzle, carry on a
conversation, fix a cup of tea, putter in the garden, or just sit back
and close one’s eyes for an hour without being interrupted.
Today’s parents don’t think they have the right to say to their
children such mutually liberating things as “You don’t need a
mother/father right now, and I’m not going to be one” or “You don’t
have permission to ask me for anything for the next hour, and if you
attract any attention to yourself during that time, you’ll be in a mess
of trouble with the meanest mom/dad in the world!” Because they have
allowed themselves to be victimized by psychobabble, they believe that
saying such things to their children will cause psychological distress.
Indeed, for a child who has been burdened with too much attention,
that’s true. But distress and harm are horses of two different colors.
In this case, the harm is done by giving too much attention for too
long. The distress of suddenly discovering that the entitlement program
is over will be short-lived, after which everyone’s quality of life
will improve considerably. Freedom from hovering is every bit as
wonderful as freedom from the compulsion to hover.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
 John's
popular syndicated parenting column appears weekly in approximately 250
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